What a lovely day for knocking on the Kremlin door and asking, is Len in?
"Ken Dodd died last night" _"Did he?"....."No Doddy"
“I used to think I was marvellous in bed until I discovered that all my girlfriends suffered from asthma.”
"I was in bed with my wife, she said "I could murder a bowl of cornflakes". Thats when I found out she was a cereal killer:"
'The man who invented cat’s eyes got the idea when he saw a cat facing him in the road. If the cat had been facing the other way, he’d have invented the pencil sharpener.
"Harold stood there with an arrow in his eye with one of his soldiers saying, keep blinking H, it'll work it's way out"
So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn’t make the sound of a coconut.’
"I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome, it started off badly but by the end I really liked it."
What a beautiful day! What a beautiful day for sticking a cucumber through someone’s letter box and shouting: ‘Help, help, the Martians have landed.’
My Dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said: ‘Is this a joke?’
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson
How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows. It’s never been tried.
Men’s legs have a terribly lonely life – standing in the dark in your trousers all day.’
"It's ten years since I went out of my mind. I'd never go back."
"The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost."
"I've seen a topless lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move."
"Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed."
"The French didn't object to British beef in 1940."
"Honolulu: it's got everything: sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."
"Age doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese"
"Doctor, 'How old are you?' 'I'm approaching 50.' 'From which direction?"
"How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday."
"Fifty-five years in show business, ladies and gentlemen. That's a hell of a long time to wait for a laugh."
"Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife's nightie and say: 'There's the chest freezer you always wanted'."
"An official went to ask my big Auntie Nellie to come off the beach because the tide was waiting to come in."
"I thought it would be a good idea to go into politics. Maybe I am a little old. but you know, I'd love to be Chancellor of the Exchequer. That way I'll be united with my money."
Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn’s cocktail party? He pulled a mussel
We have a Frenchman that makes his own gravy — the Count of Monte Bisto.
I’ve done some brave things in my time. I played Nottingham Labour Club. I was the one who shouted: ‘Three cheers for Mrs Thatcher.’ And it was during the bingo.
In some parts of the world people eat little bent pieces of wire for breakfast — it’s their staple diet.
What is deja vu? Haven’t I already answered that?
Did you know that Les Miserables was a Frenchman with no sense of humour?
Did you know that Handel donated all his organs to medical science? Mind you, he wouldn’t let them have his piano.
I went into a shop last Saturday to buy a lottery ticket. And there was a gorgeous girl behind the counter. She said, ‘Next week it’ll be rollover week.’ I said, ‘Will it? That’s better than winning ten quid.’
I do gigs or ‘one night stands’. One night is all they can stand.
Eve said to Adam: ‘Do you love me?’ And he replied: ‘Well who else is there?’
I went outside the house and there was this man with his head sticking out the pavement. I said: ‘Are you from the gas board?’ He said: ‘No, my parachute didn’t open.’
The Millennium Dome: the world’s biggest wok . . . It looks like John Prescott lying down.
The Romans built our roads. They’re still working on the M6.
Over 285 bones in the human body, enough to last the average dog a fortnight.
Scientists and doctors — they’re making tremendous strides all the time. One of these days you could have another mouth on top of your head. When you’re late for work in the morning, stick a bacon sandwich under your cap and eat it on your way to the bus.
Dogs have a very very highly developed sense of smell. You wouldn’t think so from some of the things they sniff but they do.
As the Irishman said when he saw his X-ray: ‘I don’t remember eating all those bones.’
Aromatherapy’s all about different aromatic oils. Rosemary’s good for a headache. Well, she always had one when I tried it. Castor oil’s very good for athletics. Have a bottle of that and you don’t need starting blocks.
Blackpool: where everyone is so friendly. Even the tram drivers give you a cheery wave as they knock the legs from under you.
How does a hen know the size of an egg cup when it lays an egg?
I’ve never wronged an onion so why do they make me cry?
Our farmers, working hard to grow fresh British food. Better than that frozen stuff from Iceland.
How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up? Shine a torch in her earhole.
A blonde goes to the hairdresser on a Saturday morning and she has earphones on. She says to the hairdresser just go round them. So he tries but eventually he takes them off and bang, she falls unconscious onto the dressing table. He picks the earphones up and hears: ‘Breathe in. Breathe out.’
What’s black and blue and lies in the gutter? A comedian telling blonde jokes.
The crew here, they put me in number one dressing room. You can’t get lower than one. It was a nice dressing room though, they even put fresh straw in.
We don’t have bidets in my home. We just stand upside down in the shower.
There are some very dodgy questions on these forms. Sex? I put, ‘Well, occasionally’.
Nobody wanted me, my mother had to tie a pork chop round my neck to get the dog to play with me. When we played doctors and nurses, I was the ambulance driver.
Trouble, you don’t know what trouble is. This morning I rang up the Samaritans. I said: ‘Hello. My name’s Ken Dodd.’ The fella at the other end shot himself.
I’ve just seen a car wearing a Red Nose . . . And an Irishman breathalysing it.
A laugh is a noise that comes out of your face — anywhere else and you’re in big trouble.
Do you like science fiction, sir?
Well you look like you’ve just landed.
There was Smeaton, who invented the Eddystone lighthouse. The first man to have a quick flash in public and get away with it.
What a beautiful day for dashing out to Trafalgar Square, chucking a bucket of whitewash over the pigeons and saying, ‘There you are, how do you like it?’
I can kiss a girl and nibble her ear at the same time.
On Wednesday I got six numbers in a row. It was on the gas bill but that’s a start.
I was going to take the dog to an obedience class but it wouldn’t go.
On Friday morning there was a tap on the door. He’s got a funny sense of humour that plumber.
I think all newspapers should have a happiness page… On a Monday morning you could start the week with a laugh. You could see the headline: ‘Inland Revenue officials swallowed by boa constrictor’.
The Pennines are the backbone of England. So what does that leave London?
I don’t do much television these days Why? Because I can’t cook.
Where’s a chicken’s nuggets?
A few years ago I used to be a sexagenarian. I loved it. I used to do home visits.
Always be nice to your kids because they’re the ones who’ll decide which home you’re going in.
A little old lady went to the doctor and said: ‘Can I have some more sleeping pills for my husband?’
He said: ‘Why?’ She said: ‘He woke up.’
I do a lot of satire. That’s why I have this big stool.
I come from a very old military family. My great-grandfather had a lot to do with the relief of Ladysmith. As a matter of fact she invited him back the following night.
In Germany all the hims are Herrs.
Here they have a Butlins-trained chef. He’s what they call a ‘cordon-bluergh’.
Hello Mrs. Is this your husband with you or is it novelty night?
It’s a posh audience here tonight. There are people in the front row eating chips with their gloves on.
According to council regulations, this room can be cleared in three minutes. I’m here to prove it.
We have one enemy tonight, Ladies and Gentlemen. Time. And I’m going to fight it.
It’s a long show here tonight. If you look under your seats you’ll find a will form.
I’m a sex symbol for women who don’t care.
Monday morning, I woke up and there was this beautiful blonde suntanned girl lying alongside me. I said: ‘Have you been here all night?’ she said: ‘Shut up and finish your dream.’
The vicar said to me last Sunday: ‘Kenneth, isn’t it wonderful to see the young people walking down the road carrying the good book?’ I said, ‘They’re taking their videos back.’
People say: ‘How long does you tour last?’ I say: ‘What time can you be here?’
How am I coping with the credit crunch? I thought it was a chocolate bar.
For a man of 103, I feel marvellous.
I stand here today full of Bulldog spirit and with teeth to match.
This morning the BBC sent a car for me. Luckily it missed.
Have you ever been in a Jacuzzi? With the water swirling away? You don’t know whether to enjoy it or apologise.
No wonder those French folks are so frisky — have you seen those long loaves they eat?
Five out of every three people have trouble understanding fractions.
Tonight we’re going to be asking mind-boggling questions. Like ‘where do flies go in the wintertime?’ And ‘what are the tailors going to do about it?’
They say an elephant never forgets. But I’ve never had a birthday card from one of them.
Votes for women! Squirting a hosepipe up Emmeline Pankhurst! How’s that for a suffering jet!
In the club I was in last night in Scunthorpe they kept a pig on the counter as an air freshener.
Euphemisms. These are words people use to cover up. For instance, ‘a molecular reaction has restructured an urban environment in a new concept’. That means ‘an atom bomb has just dropped on Wigan’.
I was a very small child. My mother used to carry me around in a handbag. I thought her ballpoint pen was my brother.
What’s green, eight-foot long, has great legs and, if it fell out of a tree, would kill you? A snooker table.
What’s red and hard and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What do you call a lady with one leg longer than the other? Eileen.
A big ship ran aground in Abbeyview harbour. It was a big ship loaded with a cargo of red and blue paint. All the crew were marooned.
It’s very nice to be here. But at my age, it is very nice to be anywhere.
